Mornhinweg in Detroit?

(1/25/01)

In a couple days, I'm going to write about 800 words about the entertainment value of the Super Bowl. That seems to me to be just about enough Super Bowl coverage for the Spam-O-Matic, since you can already get heaping gobs of it anywhere people talk about sports. Therefore, in lieu of asking Ray Lewis about his exceptionally ennobling legal defense that he's not a murderer, he just hangs out with them, I hereby present a bit of ranting about some football news having nothing to do with the Super Bowl, since it concerns the Detroit Lions.

Marty Mornhinweg has been hired by recently installed team president Matt Millen as our head coach. This move forces out Gary "Losing to Chicago Shouldn't Negate An Otherwise Terrific Season, But It Does" Moeller, his entire staff, a couple front office people, and hopefully the malaise of mediocrity which has hung thick and oppressive over the Pontiac Silverdome for lo these many years like some kind of horrible cloud of plague bringing misery and lethargy and overextended metaphors.

You may be saying to yourselves, if you have had the misfortune of watching NFL games on Fox which were not announced by the dynamic duo of Pat Summerall and John Madden, "Matt Millen's your GM? That guy's retarded! He's another one of those 'you're as good as the last play you made' fire-and-brimstone guys who show little enthusiasm for analysis and lots of enthusiasm for yelling!" If you're saying that, you're right. This somewhat tempers my enthusiasm for the hiring of Mornhinweg, since his biggest booster is Millen.

Another thing which tempers my enthusiasm for Mornhinweg's hiring is the fact that it's almost impossible to spell or pronounce his name. (If it weren't for cut-and-paste, personally, I don't know where I'd be.) The Detroit Free Press throws up its hands on the latter issue, saying that you "prounounce it like it's spelled, sort of: MORN-hen-weg." That's sooooo helpful. I'll probably refer to him as "Marty" for the first three games and, if history is any guide, "that jackass Millen hired" afterwards.

On the plus side, Mornhinweg was San Franscisco's quarterbacks coach last season under Steve Mariucci, and he used enough smoke and mirrors to make Jeff Garcia think he was Brett Favre for a year. I hope he's used to working with backups, though, because the only thing our starting quarterback Charlie Batch can be relied on to do is suffer a season-ending injury at some point. I have the fifth game in the pool.

The players seem to have been inclined to give Moeller another chance, which would have been my inclination as well, since he referred to his veteran players as "upperclassmen," which was amusing. Another point in Moeller's favor is that he seemed to know what he was doing, although in Detroit it's hard to tell. But we have a new duo in town to prove that they do or do not know what they're doing. What will come of it? With the Lions, you can bet it'll be painful, mostly for the fans.

This prediction was shockingly accurate during a truly miserable season in which the highlight was beating Dallas (which, as I said earlier, is a godly activity) in the last game at the Pontiac Silverdome. In October 2002, however, Joey Harrington is single-handedly inspiring hope in Lions Nation. (Nah. Lions District? Lions Township? Lions Apartment Block? I'll think about it.) I'll still be more confident once Millen, who called one of our players a "devout coward" a couple weeks ago for some unaccountable reason, is out of the GM seat and on some network bloviating - the only thing he's good at now that he can't just tackle people he doesn't like.

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