Zoolander

Your average male model, by definition, isn't fat in any way - except as a comedic target. After all, he's breathlessly worshipped and heavily remunerated for his looks; competence in anything else is purely optional and rarely present. Humorists have made a living off this kind of stuff throughout the ages.

Unfortunately, male models actually do most of the work in making fun of themselves, as you know if you've ever read an interview with one. Mocking them is like shooting skinny, fabulous fish in a barrel, and while that can provide a jolt of amusement, it takes no skill and gets old quickly.

Enter Ben Stiller, as producer, co-writer, director and star of the new film "Zoolander." His title character, first name Derek, is as dumb as they come, and for a long while he was just as pretty. But his looks are deteriorating as he nears the big 3-0, and he has lost the coveted "Male Model of the Year" crown to newcomer Hansel (Owen Wilson).

So what does Zoolander try to do? Mostly, he tries to prove that he knows something beyond himself, that he has real feelings and interests - in short, that he's smart. This is a bad idea, because in "Zoolander," when dumb people try to pass for smart, everyone around them stops fawning and starts laughing or scheming. But when Zoolander relies on his own limited intelligence and skills, he just may be able to stop a centuries-old conspiracy.

The conspiracy under discussion is one the fashion industry has created to ensure that there will always be dirt-cheap sources of labor to exploit for clothes manufacturing. Such labor has recently been found in Southeast Asia, but a new Malaysian prime minister intends to help his people by raising the minimum wage. The fashionistas can't have that, and they tell super-hot designer Mugatu (Will Ferrell) and his assistant Katinka (Milla Jovovich) to eliminate the upstart politician.

Meanwhile, Zoolander is wondering what his purpose is after he loses to Hansel, has a scathing article written about him in Time by Matilda (Christine Taylor, Stiller's wife), and delivers a "eugoogoly" (his term) for three tragically deceased fellow male models. Mugatu decides to exploit Zoolander in his moment of weakness, enticing him with promises to build "The Derek Zoolander Institute For Kids Who Want To Learn To Read Good," then brainwashing him into killing the prime minister. Matilda figures out what's going on, and tells Zoolander, but Mugatu and Katinka are right on their heels.

Will Zoolander give in to his conditioning? Will the role of Zoolander's agent, Maury Ballstein (Jerry Stiller), be revealed? Will Hansel and Zoolander put aside their differences and work for the good of male models everywhere? It'll all come out at the premiere of Mugatu's new line, Derelicte, at which Zoolander will be the featured model.

Obviously, this is a silly film set in a silly world. But it's also a very intelligent film, full of funny, sometimes subtle verbal miscues from Zoolander, deft allusions by Stiller (the "Godfather" and "2001: A Space Odyssey" references are simply priceless) and strong comic acting. Papa Stiller is given room to yell and stomp in his usual irritated manner, and does his usual wonderful job. No one is funnier when pompously declaring his false preeminence than Ferrell, and Taylor acts as an effective sounding board for the insanity happening around her.

But the spotlight is on Wilson and the younger Stiller, both playing male models and both doing a simply (ahem) fabulous job. If you need someone to lay it on thick, no one has a bigger thespianic shovel than Wilson; his spacey, drug-enhanced loosy-goosiness and self-absorption is impeccably delivered and incredibly funny. Stiller, meanwhile, has perfected his pouty, weak Zoolander voice and the hyper-dramatic carriage of a hyper-conceited male model to the point where mistakes like "eugoogoly" are twice as funny because of the delivery.

The "walk-off" runway duel between the feuding Hansel and Zoolander is the high point of the movie, all incompetent insults and spastic motion and increasingly nonsensical humor to the point where you're in their world and it's damn amusing. And after Hansel later tells Zoolander, "It was like you were hurting me, man, and that hurt," it's impossible not to laugh at the two staring blankly yet remorsefully at each other.

The only problem is that this film spends too much time in the real fashion world. It's neat to see cameos from stars like David Bowie, Billy Zane and Tyson Beckford, but it's not helpful comedically. Even if you know what the fashion label Imitation of Christ is, and why Derelicte is a parody of it, it's still not all that funny, except to about two hundred people who none of us know. When Stiller shows this fantastic world of conspiracies and "walk-offs," you believe that this is where someone like Zoolander could thrive; putting the actual dumb models into the movie deflates the conceit. (In another unfortunate real-world intrusion, the various shots of the Manhattan skyline drew shocked murmurs from a preview audience, though one can't blame this on the filmmakers.)

But there's not too much deflation going on, and thankfully the aforementioned intelligent silliness carries the day, making "Zoolander" a model escape for those of us who like our stupid people intelligently watched for maximum hilarity.

THIS REVIEW IS TOO DAMN LONG

When I have to write the reviews right after I see the movie (on the Tuesday night before it opens, normally), they always end up being a hundred words longer than I want them to. It pisses me off. I think this one flows pretty well, so I'm not too concerned, but having more time allows me to better pick out exactly what I want to highlight and how I want my argument to proceed, and I'm generally more pleased with what results. When/if I become a professional reviewer, I'll have more time to write more often. Anyway, I apologize for the longeurs.

INSIDE THE MIND, SUCH AS IT IS, OF A MOVIE REVIEWER: COUNTERCURRENTS

Based on the laughter I didn't hear around me, I enjoyed this film more than about 80% of my fellow previewgoers. Not to promulgate stereotypes, but this was because 80% of my fellow previewgoers were overprivileged brainless Bethesda teenagers who wouldn't recognize a "Godfather" reference if it came up to them and stole the Lexuses their fathers bought them for their sixteenth birthdays. (Spam-O-Maticker Ben Tievsky, a gentleman in every sense of the word, is obviously excepted from this calumny.) Nevertheless, it is hard to be alone in laughing at a comedy, and I was reassured by the presence of a woman whose name I don't know but who attends a lot of screenings and has the same opinions I do about the film and Bethesda teenagers. Some would say that I was obviously ignoring the general unfunniness of the film, and that the blase Bethesdans had the right idea by sitting there and not understanding that when Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays, it's a reference to something that happened earlier in cinematic history. Well, I say: Screw that. As people whose intelligence and taste was verified before you were added to this list, I dare you all not to think this movie is funny.

FUNNY BETHESDA-RELATED LINE OF THE NIGHT

Radio promo person asking trivia questions: "Yes, you - no, you in the Abercrombie shirt."

Me: "Oh, that'll really help."

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