Shanghai Noon

Over the years, many well-meaning people have made films that have dramatized ancient and forgotten sins of America, exposed stereotypes for the fictions they all are, and urged all people to see past the fiction of race and embrace each other as human beings. The problem with these films, from an action filmgoer's perspective, is that they all suck. They lack elements essential to a successful movie experience, such as drug humor, casual swearing, a fetishistic appreciation of firearms, and brutal hand-to-hand combat. Into this breach steps "Shanghai Noon," the world's very first multi-culti postmodern Western kung-fu comedy. Never have pleas for greater understanding of the plight of Chinese-Americans in the 19th century, appreciation of the difficulties of interracial friendship, and tolerance among all peoples of the earth involved so much rousing violence or so much gut-busting humor. In its way, "Shanghai Noon" is a remarkable achievement.

Jackie Chan stars, as if you hadn't already guessed. Some of us compulsively attend new Chan films, because he is not only one of the world's foremost ass-kickers but also one of the world's most talented comedic actors. For those who don't know, "Shanghai Noon" is as good a place to start as any. In "Shanghai Noon," he casts aside the suspicions of some Chanophiles that he might be slowing down due to his advancing age with a number of amazing fight sequences. These include an exhilarating romp through the woods, unarmed, fighting Crow Native Americans armed with axes and spears, and a mind-boggling exercise in disarming men with firearms using only a rope with a horseshoe tied to its end.

Yet Chan, while fighting like a young man, has embraced the gravitas of an older one. He impressively conveys his dismay when his dumb sidekick Owen Wilson makes a dumb comment about not really being Chan's friend, and when he says it's his duty to kick some ass and save kidnapped princess Lucy Liu, you know he damn well means it. And yet, Chan's ability to induce paroxysms of laughter with the merest twitch of the mouth or tilt of the head is never in doubt. In fact, he consolidates his control over the comic realm by participating convincingly in perhaps the first marijuana humor scene both in Chan's career and in the history of Westerns.

Wilson, who looks about fifteen, is Chan's putative guide to the intricacies of fighting in the Wild West, although he himself admits that the only thing he's good at is "talking." He doesn't even attempt a Western accent, which is good, because his character is nothing like a real cowboy, muttering empowerment phrases from self-help books before duels and filling up with hubris after even the smallest of victories. He is absolutely hilarious, a worthy foil to Chan and an example of how a postmodern cowboy really should be done.

Liu is underutilized, as she has a black belt and is as capable of beating people up as anyone else here (except Chan), which she shows by engaging in a brief, tantalizing bit of ass-kicking towards the end of the film. Unfortunately, Liu mainly exists to look pretty, act defiant in the face of her captors, and draw attention to the plight of the basically enslaved Chinese-American railroad workers at the site of her captivity. She does all these things well. These three talents, especially the awesome Chan, create an atmosphere so utterly entertaining that only the most churlish viewer will complain when occasionally the movie stops to make a point about embracing diversity.

Yet this movie's most potent arguments for diversity come not in its occasional blatant asides (underscored with nauseating strings) but as it presents believable and hilarious Chinese, white and Native American characters, as it draws unobtrusive attention to the conditions in the railroad camp, and as the old idiocy about talking slower in a foreign language to aid comprehension is played out by a Chinese man speaking English to Native Americans, who react with profane incredulity. Mostly, this movie advances its agenda honestly, and even the most anti-political viewer will have trouble not indulging this film when it pumps up the adrenaline with its ever-inventive fighting and busts guts with laughter. If all agenda movies were like this, agendas would advance farther. As it is, "Shanghai Noon" will be one of the best comedies of the year.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY CRUSH CENTRAL

Okay. Now let's review why Lucy Alexis Liu should date me (this is what they call "Web-specific content"). If any of you know her you should send this to her, real quick, as I know she would want to know:

• She's only a little older than me. What's the real differene between 32 and 21? That's nothing. It's not even close to the difference between 22 and 11. Besides, women live longer than men anyway, so cheating by about 11 years is somewhat apropos.
• She should be attracted to my unique sense of humor, as evidenced by this Tone-Loc parody I have been procrastinating on for two weeks because I can find absolutely no justification for spending any time on writing a rap parody about digestive tract problems. And some other stuff I've written.
• She likes to kick people's asses; I like to watch women kick people's asses. Hello?
• She plays the accordion, an instrument I have newfound respect for after having listened to an entire fascinating album of compositions for it by New York composers. So I wouldn't be out of my depth for at least 20 seconds in any conversation regarding it (the first time).
• I'm a caring, decent, respectful individual. (Wait — none of that is visible, so it doesn't count.)
• I have a unslakable, but amusing, crush on her. Isn't that enough?

Maybe you shouldn't send this to her after all Lindemann

I don't really have this crush anymore, but I still find it amusing. What can I say?

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