The Mask of Zorro

One of the main problems any action movie must solve is how to put the outcome in doubt. We all know when we walk into the theater that the Bond villain is not going to succeed in blackmailing the UN for $100 billion, that the celestial body is not going to collide with Earth in any debilitating way, that the deranged psycho serial killer is going to eventually be captured by the relentless cops. There are multiple routes to solving this dilemma (seemingly insuperable entrapment of the hero or a seemingly omnipotent adversary are the two that come immediately to mind) but all movies must put the outcome in doubt, or there is no drama, no adrenaline rush during fights, and thus no movie.

"The Mask of Zorro" fails to put the outcome in doubt. The final scene is lengthy, acrobatic, and chock-full of witty banter between Antonio Banderas (the young Zorro), Anthony Hopkins (the old Zorro), and their less-well-paid evil opposite numbers, but does not succeed in placing Banderas or Hopkins in any palpable danger. This is mainly because their evil foes had to display a truly astonishing level of incompetence to allow Banderas and Hopkins to even get to the site of the final battle in the first place, but also because the scene itself brings little or no sparkle to the requisite swordplay except to show that B and H are clearly superior in that department. Worst of all, the movie does not allow nearly enough screen time to the suitably smoldering-for-revenge faces of Banderas and Hopkins, which would give it at least some gravity it badly needs.

It's a disappointing final scene, all the more disappointing because the first two-thirds of the movie is just so enjoyable. We get funny swashbucklers, the laborious (but not labored) transformation of Banderas from a drunk to the next avatar of the populace, Hopkins looking dashingly upper class and giving smoldering looks to whomever, twisted family dynamics, little kids helping action heroes...it's all there, and Hopkins and Banderas look stylish while they're doing it. I mean, there are a lot of cliches, but they're all cool cliches, like Anthony Hopkins putting out candles with his whip. Plus, the battle scenes which precede the final scene are markedly superior to it. It's much more involving when Banderas's Zorro gets beat up a whole lot in the barracks when he is trying to steal a horse, and ends up squirming meekly away into the night (but not before carving that Z into a handy canvas wall), than when he is just obviously going to win in the final scene and never gets scratched.

The movie itself, I have to note, is pretty gorgeous, with only the most photogenic parts of old Mexico recaptured, including Catherine Zeta-Jones. Actually, Zeta-Jones's commanding presence (swashbuckler, dancer, jaw-dropping beauty) may be the chief pleasure of the first part of the movie, and the movie's best scene may be the quasi-Bond infiltration of the nobleman's hacienda, where Banderas dolls himself up as a nobleman and crashes a party, talking slick and capturing the eyes and heart of Zeta-Jones. The banter here is sooooo smoooooth but at the same time obviously purposeful and Banderas is charismatic even when he is just sitting there talking. Flair, rhythm, cool fights, beautiful people: the first part of this movie has it all.

Including, of course, anachronisms, including the phrases "Well, let me tell you something" and "You're living in a dream world" and explosions about as large as the ones in "Die Hard," except those are achieved with the putative aid of C4 and these are supposed to be just gunpowder, and, I suppose, the ancient lost oil rigs of Mexico. Anachronisms don't count if you don't notice them during the movie, which normally means 90% of anachronisms don't count for me, yet this movie fosters such an infectious atmosphere of Old New World gentility that every break from it is a letdown. (In addition, the music, by James Horner, could hardly be more cliched.) But I was eagerly looking forward to the final scene when it started.

Then the final scene, after some lackluster fighting and running about (as previously discussed), ultimately resolves itself in a massive fireball explosion more reminiscent of "Speed" where the bus hits the plane than anything else. (By the way, if I see one more period heroine running next to flames in a tulle dress that doesn't immediately burst into flames (cf. "Titanic"), I'm going to only watch movies where the females are clad in skin-tight leather or metal from then on.) But that big fireball, which is also a cliche but one from the far future as far as this movie is concerned, is just the final shovelful of dirt on the grave. Perhaps some of you are saying to yourselves right now, "Well, the movie as a whole doesn't sound bad at all," and you're right; this movie is certainly not a waste of time. I enjoyed it. But I came out of the movie profoundly unexcited and trying to remember why I had been so excited earlier. "Zorro" could have been so much more if the finale had just lived up to what preceded it.

Attractive Man Count: 2.

Attractive Woman Count: 2 (Hopkins's wife, who dies early, is the other one.)

Overall Grade: B. Take it to the finish line next time, guys.

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