Godzilla

This ain't no 1950s, overconsumptive, pre-ubiquitous personal fitness, pre-resource scarcity Godzilla. The old Godzilla was truly impressive from a size perspective, but his athleticism left something to be desired. He basically just sat around and swatted at the puny human destruction being unleashed in his vicinity, occasionally moving and looking weary as he did so. Perhaps this was all that could have been expected from a bunch of pre-computer graphics Japanese auteurs, who were trying hard but just did not have the resources this team brings to film under consideration. The enormous scientifically unrealistic lizard that emerges from the South Seas in this movie is lean, fast, and ungodly huge and strong. He can outrun Army helicopters, turn on a quarter, and make a flying leap at one point on the Brookyln Bridge that would put Carl Lewis to shame, were he so ego-obsessed as to compare himself to a gigantic reptile. To put it more concisely (although less clearly to some of you), if the old Godzilla was Cecil Fielder, the new Godzilla is Barry Bonds. And we all know who's won more Most Valuable Player awards between those two. (It's Bonds, for the ignorant among you.)

This new Godzilla is a thing of pure destructive beauty to watch, and basically during the time he is onscreen makes you forget about the unadulterated crap you have been forced to watch while he is not on screen. Thankfully the movie ends not too long after Godzilla dies, in a death scene so prolonged and histrionic as to shame Shakespeare (and oddly moving too, with a device I will not give away because you would not enjoy the device if I did). But, you say, the Japanese never managed to off Godzilla! He just slunk back into the sea, waiting for the producers to secure more loans! Well yes, but no Japanese air fighter can hold its own with the F-15 Tomcat. Apparently no gigantic lizard can either (although he does take about 12 Sidewinder hits before buying the farm, which is an awful lot, it seems to me).

Sure, in reviewing this movie, you might remark upon the fact that everyone in it can't act worth a damn thing, especially Matthew Broderick, who seemed like he thought he was acting the spoken part in a musical. You might scoff heartily when the numerous issues I am about to raise under "Believability" below arise. You might wonder why there is this worse than useless love story between Broderick and—yes!—another cub reporter given major air time by virtue of breaking a major story about major destruction (Maria Pitillo, who is at the very least more telegenic than Tea Leoni, thank God) which occupies enormous amounts of screen time for what seems to be the main purpose of providing an excuse not to put expensive special effects in a scene. You might (I especially might) carp about the fact that the movie does an abrupt and exceedingly cliched and unfun impersonation of "Aliens" and "Jurassic Park" right in the middle of it. But then Godzilla gets his cold-blooded self back out on the screen, and you're riveted. What can a reviewer do? He's an enormous lizard that can take out entire architectural landmarks with a careless sweep of his tail. And I'm only human.

Believability: Of the more than 150 charges I made at various points during this movie, the most grave are these:

• Yeah, right, Godzilla just somehow *knows*, from his hideout in the South Seas, that Manhattan is, as Broderick puts it, "an island entirely surrounded by water where he can hide." How did Godzilla learn about Manhattan? Does he get cable?
• You cannot evacuate 3 million people from anywhere to anywhere in 8 hours. Especially New Yorkers, from what I've heard.
• Howcum these people are shooting at Godzilla with normal guns? Don't they watch movies? Godzilla laughs at small arms fire. This is a problem unique to this movie, that we are asked to imagine a world exactly like our own, but without what is really something of a cultural landmark. It's something I kept mentally choking on at various points.
• And finally, we are asked to believe that the French, the same people who want to let Saddam go ahead and produce weapons of mass destruction, who oppose sanctions on India for starting a nuclear arms race on their subcontinent, and who routinely and vituperatively express negative opinions of America, Americans and especially American culture, are going to come by in our Hour of Need, take responsibility for the huge lizard caused by their nuclear testing, and do the scientifically correct and violent thing, which is to sneak into Godzilla's nest and try to blow the thing up. And they are going to do this with American weapons they bought on the black market. And they speak in an English-French patois that is conveniently comprehensible to the average American.
  Go back to Paris, snail-eaters. We'll handle this one ourselves.

Tension: Well, duh how it's going to end. Getting there is all the fun.

Action: New York, and especially Manhattan, is just a fun city and a fun bourough to see destroyed [in movies by Japanese movie monsters, not in real life, as we learned], and Godzilla handles the chores with style and flair.

Attractive Man Count: We are told by the scriptwriters that Matthew Broderick is attractive at several points. He looks to me for most of the film like he is about to wet his pants, which is not a quality in a man that I find attractive. 0.

Attractive Woman Count: A very reluctant 1 to Broderick's love interest.

Overall Grade: B+. Godzilla rescues it all by destroying everything.

HEY, LET'S PUT ON A SHOW!

Actually, maybe they should hire Matthew Broderick again and really make "Godzilla!: The Musical":

My skin is green-hued, my complexion is bad

I've slaughtered the entire navy of Chad

I spent all this time in the sea getting toned

Some folks say I'm fat, but I'm really big-boned...

or:

If I can't lay eggs there, I can't lay eggs anywhere

I've found (smash building noise) New (smash) York! New (smash) York!

(These not to be sung by Broderick, of course.) Just a thought.

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