Firestorm

I realize that in a review of "Titanic" starring the estimable Kate Winslet and some scatalogical spoonerism, I thoughtlessly dismissed "Firestorm" on the basis of its preview. Indeed, one of the main reasons to see this movie is so that you will be absolutely sure of not seeing its preview, which is surely one of the worst I have ever sat through while making snide comments. However, I am always the first to admit when I make a mistake, because I know when I do not do so other people will sink their teeth into my momentary inaccuracy with relish, so let me set the record straight: "Firestorm" is quite enjoyable. Possibly more enjoyable than "Starship Troopers" (well, actually, the word "possibly" is unnecessary in this sentence, incomplete as it already is). Here are the main reasons:

1) It's Not About Aliens Or Someone Having Stolen A Nuclear Weapon. Or about anything else that Endangers Humanity. The only people involved in this disaster appear in the movie. I am frankly getting damn sick of people carrying the weight of saving the world on their shoulders. Not everything people do has to be Globally Significant. I personally manage to go to work every day without encountering an apocalyptic situation.

2) In Fact, I Can't Remember A Movie About Forest Fires At All. But, now that you think about it, isn't it a good idea? Big beautiful shots of mankind's oldest ally and enemy. One of the best things about this movie is the ending, which, without giving enough away to make myself the subject of more criticism, is truly breathtaking, all the more so for not having been shown in preview, and, in fact, having been the subject of remarkably little conversation through the movie. About twenty minutes before the ending someone mentions it, and then it just comes. And you don't find this ending outside of a movie about forest fires.

Also I have always carried around with me in a little pouch a passion for learning, which was quite surprisingly and satisfyingly given a few choice bits of informational meat to snack on during the slacker moments in this movie. For example, I didn't know that forest fires run uphill, or that the men who parachute into fires are called "smokejumpers," or how exactly they set counterfires (shooting little extremely flammable white balls out of a pneumatic gun from a helicopter, BTW). I mean, if there is anything I don't know about defusing a nuclear weapon at this point, it must be classified (disregarding the fact that most of this movie information seems to be dis-). It was nice to learn something.

3) Howie Long Is Not As Bad As You Might Suppose. It is impossible to disrespect Long's career as a Los Angeles Raiders defensive end. But some folks seem to feel that Long has been softened by his "desk job" as analyst for Fox Sports' NFL pregame. (BTW #2, Fox produced this movie, and Howie Long obviously works for Fox. Long also appeared on Mad TV early last month, another Fox show. I would really like to see Long on the X-Files. Show that kid Mulder how to speed-rush an offensive lineman. They'd both be better for it.) Well, uh, yes, he has been softened. But look at who he is supposed to be playing. He's from Wyoming, for God's sake! How believable would it be for him to be super-charismatic? He's fresh-faced with enormous NFL-Hall-of-Famer-issue muscles and gets the job done with remarkable efficiency (no people die in this movie who are not killed by the head villain).

There are obvious problems with this movie, beginning with Long's tepid acting (although the same could be said of Schwartzenegger in any movie he ever made), continuing with the implausibly Bronx-accented Wyoming State Prison-er/ringleader (although William Forsythe does OK with a poorly written character and gets off an extraordinarily good delivery of a line which for most actors would be a complete throwaway), and ending with the astonishingly incomprehensible line delivered by Howie Long when asked if he thinks at all about a certain tragedy: "I think about it every time I jump, brush my teeth, start my car." What exactly do these activities have in common? Best answer gets a custom limerick about any name they want, any subject, any anything. But people who go to see movies like this forgive worse sins and worse sinners than this all the time. Remember "Eraser"? I rest my case.

Believability: This movie actually scores quite well. In addition to using real firefighter stuff (as far as I can tell) and having the villain not be some sort of all-knowing SuperSatan, there are no black people. Before anyone gets their drawers in a knot (and believe me, I would be the first to do so), remember: this movie is set in Wyoming. It would actually be less believable to *have* a black character. I here enter an objection to the hazily delineated actual thrust of the plot. But we don't have here any, you know, nullifications of the law of gravity or hopelessly stupid military tactics.

Tension: The first like half-hour is slack and then it builds up nicely (again, to my utter surprise––I had been planning to make wicked unfair fun of this movie).

Action: I have a new name for Howie Long: The Domestic-Brand Schwarzenegger.

Attractive Woman Count: 1/2.

Attractive Man Count: I can't really say I can imagine any woman exactly being attracted to any man in this movie, even when considering factors I normally don't such as "shapeliness of rear."

Overall Grade: B. Note the superiority to "Starship Troopers."

Bonus Movie Enjoyment Tip: In that damn X-Files preview, at the end, when it says "Fight the Future," say "I plan to!" in a really perky voice.

I still think Howie Long could have been the Domestic-Brand Schwarzenegger if he had wanted to. Too bad he marrier Teri Hatcher.

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