Viagratification

In case you weren't aware, having somehow avoided being trampled by the onrush of formerly impotent men to our various houses of low repute, a new drug called Viagra came out recently. Viagra promised to revolutionize the world of helping deflated men to do the diddlin' once again because of its utter simplicity: just take a pill, and then one hour later remove the sausage from the grill and serve hot, plump and juicy. Much has been written on the subject of Viagra and how it will change relations between the sexes forever, mostly by columnists who were bored in between scandals last summer, and frankly I have nothing new to add their half-assed speculation.

I do, however, have access to our nation's finest urology journals at my "job" (including the Journal of Urology, Urology, Clinical Urology, Clinical Uropathology, and So Your Penis Is Broken), and have been able to observe over the last few months the marketing efforts of both Pfizer, on behalf of Viagra, and the companies whose market share Viagra is taking away, and thus I may be able to bring a fresh perspective to bear.

Pfizer's ad is a bit subdued. The main photo is of an old couple dancing. They are not "getting freaky," "bump'n ‘n' grind'n," or anything like that. In very small white block letters next to them it says "Viagra. A new way to treat erectile dysfunction." Although the man is smiling as if to say, "One hour is just sixty minutes, and by then we'll both be tuckered out enough to, um, go to bed," and the woman is not exactly without a gleam in her aged eye, the effect is mercifully tasteful. What, you say, I didn't think ads for impotence cures would be more gratuitous than that? You're in for a world of hurt.

Of course, there have been some problems with Viagra, as is documented by the full page of small type next to this idyllic picture. Chief among these pitfalls for the less-than-stiff man is the alarming tendency Viagra users have to keel over and die from massive coronaries. It seems that the once-erectionless around the country are dipping their wicks with such fervor that their cardiovascular systems are saying, "This is sex?! Why did we ever do this?" and breaking down from the stress, much like the Starship Enterprise being batted about by the disrupters of unexpectedly decloaking Romulan vessels while Scotty slogs arthritically from control panel to control panel trying desperately to divert power from life support on the decks where the extras live.

Although these men may have died content deaths in the saddle, they are still dead, and when people are dying from a popular medication, there is always a market for competing medications, until they start killing people too. It so turns out that there have for some time been medications which could make the groundhog come out of his den and see his shadow, but they were somewhat underused because they needed to be injected into the side of the penis just before the moment of truth. This does not sound to me like a particularly romantic or confidence-building step in the great journey ("OH CRAP! I BUSTED A VEIN!"), and most other men did not think so either. This was why Viagra, with its easy-to-swallow pill form, was so popular when introduced.

I would love to report here that the other erectile dysfunction medications were now coming up with battle advertisements that attacked Viagra on the basis of its tendency to off its users (and wouldn't allegations like that liven up this whole Pizza Hut-Papa John's battle?), but sadly enough this is not the case. I have scoured the medical literature for advertisements for other erectile dysfunction medications, and have come up with the following two, both for Caverject, which seems to be positioning itself as the Wince-Inducing Advertisement Erectile Dysfunction Medication.

Caverject's first advertisement is dominated by a banner headline reading "Erectile impotence remains the most neglected complication of diabetes," and a photo. The photo is of a mime of Marcel Marceau type, with the white face paint and the beret and white gloves. But wait! This mime is sad! He is, in fact, staring into the distance, forlorn and lost. And why is he sad? Well, it could have something to do with the drooping flower he holds in his hands. This metaphor of Godard-esque subtlety took win, place and show in the "Embarrassing Advertisement" category until I came upon

The second advertisement for Caverject, which features the headline "SUCCESS: Time after Time" and a gigantic depiction of the classic "male" symbol, the circle with the arrow sticking out of it, having its way with some other innocent and probably endlessly put-upon circle. They don't show the appendage of the receptor circle, so I guess the male circle could be penetrating a neuter circle, but I'd still say "female" is a pretty good guess for its gender based on the inset photo below of an old man and an old woman cradling each other (fully clothed). But even this slap-in-the-face symbolism could not prepare me for Caverject's new slogan, printed under all of this: "Caverject. A hard act to follow in erectile dysfunction." The choice of this specific turn of phrase is either (a) embarrassingly accidental or (b) even more embarrassingly purposeful. In any case, it's kind of like getting a letter urging you to subscribe to Penthouse for the "penetrating investigative reporting" or something like that; everyone knows what's really being offered, they're just being overcute about it.

No wonder the injected medications never made much market headway, with Caverject spoiling the mood. No, I predict a continued spurt of profits to Pfizer from Viagra, with its comparatively gentle approach eventually producing new, higher highs in sales. The hard sell rarely impresses the undecided consumer, even if what you are selling is the ability to be hard.

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