Tumor Humor

George Carlo et al. released the results of their review of the literature on the link between cellular phone use and brain cancer in early August, and oncologists everywhere were shocked by their conclusions: industry's claim that users had nothing to fear from cell phone use, in Carlo et al.'s view, was now "no longer supportable." This finding reopened a debate that had previously been regarded as resolved. Some claimed that the data Carlo reviewed to reach his conclusions was preliminary and inconclusive, while others argued that, in Carlo's words, "it just makes sense" that constant use of cellular phones would cause tumors. However, all sides agreed that evidence from the many large randomized clinical trials currently in progress would decide the issue.

On April 1, one of these trials was released, the National Brain Cancer in Cellular Phone Users: Fact or What? trial. Its results, as reported in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute by a team of renowned researchers led by Nobel-winning oncologist Dr. I. Maydisup, stunned observers. Cellular phone usage, in the NBCCPUFOW study, was associated with an increased risk of brain cancer--for those who retained their brains. According to the NBCCPUFOW study, cellular phone users who logged 50 or more hours of airtime a month--about 50% of all cellular phone users--lost the use of their cerebral cortex entirely. Their continued cellular phone use was attributed to a little-known phenomenon called "Gifford's disease," after the former talk-show host, in which the brain ceases function entirely but the mouth and larynx still form words.

Among the population of cellular phone users as a whole, brain cancer rates did not increase. "But now that we know that half of all cell phone users have no brains at all," Dr. Maydisup noted, "we realize that in truth the brain cancer rates for users have been underreported by a factor of 2. Ergo, cellular phone usage causes brain cancer." This gives credence to Carlo et al.'s thesis, and has inflamed to the cellular phone industry, which hotly disputes all of the NBCCPUFOW study's claims.

But some of the NBCCPUFOW's evidence cannot be ignored. "The level of mental deficiency among habitual cellular phone users is staggering," Dr. Maydisup says. "They would use their phones in bathrooms, at concerts, during workplace performance reviews, all for the most inane conversations imaginable. We had anecdotal evidence for the lowered brain functioning before, but we had no idea it had taken place on so wide a scale." Dr. Maydisup presented one man's chilling real-life conversation, conducted at a funeral while pallbearers were lowering his recently departed father into a grave:

"Hello...Yeah...I think the Mayfields like Thai, honey...No, no, Thai, with the peanut sauce...I don't think Kimberly is allergic, honey...Do you want me to pick up anything?...No, I'm at the funeral...Kroger's really isn't on the way. Could you get it?...No, remember? The cemetery across town from there...Did Davidson call?...Tell him I'll fax that to him tomorrow if he calls again...I'll be home in an hour, I think. Depends how long I'm tied up here...Bye."

"This is a textbook case of Gifford's disease," said Dr. Maydisup. "Note the complete absence of awareness of his surroundings or any ability to comprehend the effects of his speech. Though the brain is dormant, the mouth continues to move."

Cellular phone manufacturers called a press conference to address the NBCCPUFOW study's findings. Richard Doctorow, a public relations manager for Nokia, was blunt. "Dr. Maydisup's science is specious and the NBCCPUFOW is biased," he began. "There is simply no evidence that cellular phones contribute anything to a decay in mental function. Dr. Maydisup is seeing only what he wants to see, and what he wants to see is an industry that becomes more popular every day brought down by government regulation. All of this talk about so-called 'Gifford's disease' is ridiculous. I am proud to use my cellular phone, and I -"

Doctorow's back pocket started playing Beethoven's Fur Elise.

"Oh, geez," he said, pulling out a small white phone. "I really have to take this. Can you all hold on a minute? Hello? No, I'm not too busy...Yes, I definitely like Hormel better than Armour...Well, just buy it, then. It doesn't have to be on sale...Okay...What? I can't hear you. There's a whole bunch of people leaving the room I'm in...Hello? Damn. Hey! Where did you all go?"

The humor here is (ahem) a little broad because I wanted to actually be able to publish this in JNCI's April 1 issue. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I learned later in writing Almost Jazz News for Jazz Times that there is no way to make humor broad enough that everyone reading it will know it is humor, even if you have the advantage of a heading that intimates that this may not actually be jazz news. So JNCI probably made the right decision. I still love them anyway.

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