Cigarettes Abreast

Everything in the first article is true (except for the thing labeled "joke").

BETHESDA, MD, MAY 21- The Journal of the National Cancer Institute that was submitted to the MEDLINE online database of medical journal articles today contains some startling news: Women who are already at high risk for breast cancer may be able to cut that risk by smoking.

According to a study mostly conducted by Canadians who were not apparently beholden to the big tobacco companies, at least in any obvious way besides the fact that their test lab was paid for in "Marlboro Miles" [joke], women with mutant genes that put them at extremely high risk for breast cancer who also smoke tended to contract breast cancer significantly less frequently than women with those genes who did not smoke. Mutations of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes, which are just names scientists give genes because they get sick of saying "Chromosome 11, 721,623 from the left," put women at extremely high risk for breast cancer. Using data from genetic screening questionnaires, and controlling the sample to eliminate the influence of other risk factors, one of which I think would normally be smoking, they determined that women who had responded that they smoked for four pack-years (i.e., number of packs per day multiplied by the number of years smoking, so you could smoke 2 packs a day for 2 years, or one pack a day for 4 years, or as emergency therapy 1460 packs in one day) had a lower breast cancer risk than women who never smoked.

Some people disagree with this finding, mainly because there is exactly no scientifically proven physical link between smoking and breast cancer (although some conjecture on this point is offered early in the paper). An editorial in the same issue of Journal of the NCI was titled "Protective Effect of Cigarette Smoking on Breast Cancer Risk in Women With BRCA1 or BRCA2 Mutations???" [punctuation sic] and seems to be studiously avoiding asking the question "Are these people on crack or what?" throughout the article.

The impact of this finding remains to be seen.

CHARLESTON, SC, MAY 22 - Philip Morris unveiled its new advertising campaign today. Its slogan is "Two Packs a Day For 2 Years Keeps The Oncologist Away" and uses the results of the Canadian study in its text. "We're very excited," says a Philip Morris spokesperson, "and we were lying when we said all that stuff about us knowing that cigarettes cause cancer and are addictive and make your breath smell toxic and stuff like that. They're medication now. Those are side effects. Get off our asses."

BETHESDA, MD, MAY 23 - The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute issued a press release today reminding Americans that cigarettes cause lung cancer and that it is probably not a good idea to smoke even if you are at high risk for breast cancer. "I honestly don't see how it's better to get cancer on something you can't cut out of your body even if you wanted to," said a NHLBI spokesperson. "Those National Cancer Institute people don't let their Pulmonary Branch know what their Biostatistics and Epidemiology Branch is doing. If they did they'd be furious. We're going to refer them to the Concentrated Cocaine Laboratory of the National Institute for the Prevention of Drug Abuse."

The Marlboro Man visited the National Cancer Institute in the afternoon, to distribute cigarettes to women with BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations as part of a clinical trial, and was greeted with what can only be described as a mixed reception.

AMSTERDAM, MAY 26 - Acta Cardiologia published a statistical analysis today that proves that men who eat enormous amounts of fatty and salty foods actually have fewer heart attacks than men who just eat fatty foods. "We're guessing we have one of those old Pentiums and forgot to replace it," said a spokesperson.

CHARLESTON, SC, MAY 27 - In a move that insiders have been forecasting since midweek, the companies that make up "Big Tobacco" have sued the federal government and most of the states for defamation. "Our cigarettes have saved more lives than they've taken," said a legal spokesperson for the Big Tobacco team. "This study proves it." When one reporter pointed out that about half of all smokers are male and cannot contract breast cancer, the spokesperson said, "Just read the damn study," waved it in front of the reporters' faces and stormed out of the room.

NEW YORK, MAY 29 - The International Journal of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and AIDS reported today that men who have sex with women infected with gonorrhea and women with herpes during a short period of time are less likely to contract gonorrhea than men who just have sex with women infected with gonorrhea. The authors of this study wanted to include their methodology in their report, but it fell under the jurisdiction of pornography laws in most of the countries where the IJSTDAIDS is published.

CHARLESTON, SC, MAY 31 - Big Tobacco has withdrawn its new lawsuits, based on "unforseeable scientific evidence." The affected governments declined to comment.

BETHESDA, MD, JUNE 1 - The new issue of the Journal of the National Cancer Institute contains a study by the same Canadian consort which states that women with the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations who drink vast quantities of Molson's have lower risk of contracting breast cancer than carriers of the genetic mutations who do not. "It hash to be Molshon's," said a spokesperson for the group. "Becaush of all the pretty yellow bubbles. Pretty...yellow. Now if you'll exschuse me, I'm going to read the Internashunl Jernal of Sexually Transhmitted Disheases and AIDS now. I'll be back in 15 minutesh." The spokesperson then collapsed on the podium.

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