Dave Barry

1 Herald Plaza

Miami, FL 33132

Dear Mr. Barry,

In reading your latest correspondence, which came a few weeks ago, I am again struck by the note of–dare I suggest it?–sarcasm present in it. (I have enclosed a copy of your postcard in case you forgot what you said on it. I, you will remember, am the crackpot who got a bunch of people to sign a letter challenging you to stop relying on alert readers so much.) Perhaps my meager skills as a writer did not adequately convey the message of "craven sucking up" which was so integral to the letter as a concept both for myself and for all my enlisted petitioners. To this end, let's just say I am getting your postcard framed as soon as I get any money. However, I did note in your subsequent "Mr. Language Person" column the cheerful reference to the general theme of my epistle (something like "Does Mr. Language Person still get the money if he writes a whole column filled with wire service stories?"), which heartened me, for I realized that at least I had touched a nerve.

My petitioners have generally met your missive with a blistering apathy ("That is so cold, Andrew"), and I am dejected to note that perhaps this means the end of any effective popular uprising. I have hereby abandoned this means of communication of the popular will. No one will sign this note but myself.

However, in the second (and last) sentence of your postcard you make a statement about the brilliance of my column with not an actual scrap of evidence. Although I realize you do not care, in the most likely outcome, I am nevertheless enclosing my last two columns (including insulting picture of me taken on a dare in the one about the babies), a fake passage analysis that will hopefully remind you of freshman lit, and an example of the art of the anagram which frankly blows "Pete Wilson=Penis Towel" out of the water. Somehow I doubt you will ever actually read them, but I can guarantee categorically that you will not consider it time ill spent if you do.

Sincerely,

Andrew L. Malone

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