Walther Lamm Instant Action

(Walther Lamm talking over various pictures, starting with a broad shot of former-Soviet countryside) In 1997, the American government and the Russian government, acting on behalf of all the former Soviet nuclear powers, agreed to a top-secret program to safeguard the transport and destruction of nuclear weapons under the latest arms reduction treaty. The resulting military police force has two components. The Russian component is called Organization to Detain, Cripple or Annhilate, or VODCA (pronounced "vodka") Force. The American component is a unit of the most top secret military force in existence, so secret that Delta Force by comparison advertises itself on NBC's "Must-See Thursday"...Ass Kicker Force.

Cut to interior of a military command base with screens, computers, etc. Lamm is sitting talking to Jim Torgeson.

Lamm: That's the first part of my translation of Tolstoy's Anna Karninena.

Torgeson: Walther, do you even know Russian?

Lamm: I may not know Russian, but I know what I like.

Guy Sitting At Terminal: Commander Lamm? Commander Torgeson? You'd better take a look at this.

They walk over.

GSAT: Looks like a few helicopters are swarming around the train. They're not responding to our radio calls, sir.

Torgeson: Looks like these might be our bogies.

Lamm: I'll notify VODCA Force.

Cut to interior of a train car with drunken Russians.

Lamm (on radio): VODCA Force, this is Ass Kicker Force. May I speak with the designated shooter? Over.

Everyone immediately stands up straight, at attention.

Teodor Taneyev (the commander): Ass Kicker Force, this is Vodka Force. Do we have company?

Lamm: You should expect guests within the next hour or so. Be ready.

Taneyev: We will continue our drunken revelry. Over and out, Mr. Lamm.

Lamm: I hope this works. Let's move.

[fight scene]

Lamm: Gentlemen, we only managed to secure five of the fifteen nuclear warheads. The other two train cars were stolen. Before I continue, I'd like to applaud Vodka Force for their excellent job fighting the intruders. I've never seen people so obviously drunk fight so well.

Taneyev: Oh, thank you. It's just water and acting, actually.

Lamm: But members of Ass Kicker Force were stationed well outside the field of engagement with long range weapons. We were supposed to be able to act against an eventuality like the helicopters using giant magnets to take the train cars off the tracks. Instead, many of us are dead. (pause) Everyone who's dead, you're fired! Where is your killing spirit? Bah! (turns) Commanders Arnold and Miaskovsky, do you have the data from the interrogations yet?

Arnold: We have some preliminary information at this time. No details.

Lamm: Do we know who was behind it?

Miaskovsky: From the weapons used and certain clues dropped by the prisoners...it is almost certainly Ivan March again, Commander Lamm.

Lamm: MAAAAAAAAAAAAARCH!!!

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